Bad Food and Dog/Bounty Hunter

People often ask if retirement is as wonderful as it seems. Lots of things come to mind but I think Bad Food and Dog/Bounty Hunter is what my retirement has been reduced to. Oh sure I do hundreds of other thing to occupy my mind, if not my mind, at least my time but at some point there's that big hole of left over time where work used to be. Think about all the time consumed by work that is not time actually "working" - commuting, eating lunch, business trips, company events, not to mention working late. No matter how many hobbies you have, how much volunteering you do or how much time you spend at the senior center fighting off single women, there's still time when you have nothing to do.

In my case filling some of that time means eating out -- because I don't eat in. And in lovely Canton, Michigan your choices of where to dine are numerous but mostly awful. So where to eat? Well, since I am no doubt going to eat dinner out as well -- except when the ladies cook for me -- I don't mind eating lunch on the cheap. That means that at times I frequent places like the Roland's Koney Island (not it's real name, of course.) I found this eatery on the Internet and tried it about a year ago. It was like all the other coney island type restaurants in metro Detroit: Greek food, along with breakfast food, bad hamburgers and soup. They are all loosely connected and all seem to be owned and run by the cook who hails from the Middle East or Eastern Europe. Oh, yes. And they are cheap. Since I like to eat breakfast for lunch I figure that they can manage eatable bacon and eggs. That's debatable, but it's comfortable quick and cheap. There is a similar place where I went for lunch almost every day and, of course, got to know all the waitresses quite well and developed a friendship with an intelligent Eastern European waitress who seemed very out of place. I returned day after day because the waitresses were very nice to me -- as I was to them -- and it was cheap. But in the end I realized that you can make scrambled eggs, bacon and home fries so greasy and disgusting that you just have to stop. So I've never been back.

A couple of times while I was eating there I overheard people say they liked the food -- that's why they came there. What??? The food was awful. The salads were day old lettuce with half a slice of under-ripe tomato. Fresh fruit was unheard of. Everything was fired. So I wondered what the hell have these people been eating that would make them think this shit is good.

Later I returned to Roland's and said "same old shit" and quit going there for about a year. For some reason recently I took my mother there when she was visiting me. Probably because I know my mother is one of "those people" who think gawd-awful food is good. Her cooking ability is a bit short of outstanding. During the holidays I had more guests - my brother and my sister-in-law and my son and my daughter-in-law -- and I took them there to. I don't know why. Maybe because I couldn't stomach another breakfast at Bob Evans (it's real name).

Later I took a friend to Roland's and she ran into a bunch of people she knew, all of whom said they came there all the time. This one dork went on and on about how good the food was! Am I living in a parallel universe? So driven by low prices (10% senior discount!!) , free newspaper and convenience I later returned alone to Roland's. I wanted a waffle. None were on the menu but the waitress, who called everyone Hon, said they had them. OK, a waffle and sausage patties for me. After a long wait my breakfast/lunch arrived. Always a bad sign when you cannot cut the waffle with a knife. It appeared that major ingredient in the waffle paste was cement dust. The sausage was charred black. And . . . you guessed it . . . I ate it. I immediately thought of the example my old boss used to use about restaurants. What three things do you do when you have a bad meal or poor service? (1) You say everything was fine when asked. (2) You never go back. (3) and you tell your friends.

The moment that plate was set in front of me I decided this was my last meal at Roland's. So far, it's been true. I told the old folks at the senior Citizen Center during euchre about the worst meal I ever had. Guess where they all congregate after cards? Roland's of course. "The food is great!"

Punch line: as you prepare for retirement, do not allow your taste buds to forget good food from Bad Food.

That's an obvious segue to Dog/Bounty Hunter. You're familiar with it? It's a reality show about a bounty hunter and his family in Denver. I can only describe the appeal of this show to me this way: It's so hideous I can't look away. The "cast" is a menagerie of family members who look like a combination of leather bar patrons and G.I. Joe's. Those guys have more high tech crap that they never, never use than the set of a Bruce Willis movie.

The premise is to follow the Duane "Dog" Chapman family as they chase bail jumpers. They do a lot of riding around in identical black Escalades and talking on walkie talkies. Dog's wife Beth -- she of the gigantic bosoms -- drives one Escalade and Dog's son Duane or his other son Leland drive the other. Dog always sits behind the driver and says important things into the walkie talkie like "He's pulling into the driveway" or "His girlfriend says he's not home." Whenever they want someone to step into harm's way, it's always Beth. "Beth you go talk with him. He's armed."

The actual time spent apprending the bad is is about three and a half minutes. The rest is scintilating dialogue. This mind-numbing drivel is intoxicating and bewildering to me. And it makes my favorite guilty pleasure, Human Wrecking Balls, seem high brow. Punch line: When you're retired you can't be ashamed of what you watch on TV. You have to watch TV and there is nothing worth a shit on.

Thanks for your time.