I vow . . .

That as of today, February 28, 2011, the third anniversary of the day I met the Lovely M, I will make no further contact with her. The excitement is not greater than the pain. She did nothing wrong. She was just herself. I should know better.

Recently I have wanted to contact her. Our non-relationship held the potential to inject some excitement into my life. I started telling friends that a bad day with M was far more interesting than a good day sitting home alone. I finally acted when I felt particularly down after reading a couple of medical reports about me that used the term MSA (multiple systems atrophy.) This the the fatal version of the autonomic dysfunction I have. It greatly upsets me when I hear it used loosely to describe me. I wanted to seek her out for comfort. Insane though it may seem, I knew she really cares about me and I thought she would comfort me.

I called and arranged lunch the next day. Although I had promised myself that I would keep it light, after 20 minutes or whatever I asked her "Why to do think I'm so fascinated with you?" That opened the floodgates. I won't divulge the conversation but I was floating on air afterward. I believe that I simply caught her off guard and she showed her genuine affection and joy. I texted her when I got home to thank her and test whether I had been dreaming. She come back with a nice response.

I allowed my fantasizing to go wild - I was seriously imaging us married. I thought about how I was going to work to fix this with my kids and her. I was briefly in heaven. I knew I was on very thin ice but when you have faced as much pain as I have you don't deny yourself the opportunity to feel good. Really good.

Saturday night we had dinner. She was reserved, evasive and withdrawn; not to mention oblivious to her insensitivity. I think she truly believes that evading and redirecting issues is "nicer" than facing them head on. In any event it took very little time to see there was not going to be any "new" relationship. Again I don't feel like recounting the details.

I left her house with another big hole in my heart. However, I wouldn't change it. A bad day with M is better than a good day home alone. It's not her fault. It's my addiction to drama/crisis. If they don't occur naturally you have to create them.

I have so many wonderful friends and such a fantastic family that I need to use their support as an alternative to a "good day home alone." It's far less stressful. As for M, my addiction is always there. I just have to overcome it.