Alone at Sea

It’s December so it must mean that your humble writer is taking a trip to the tropics alone. Yes that’s two straight Decembers that I’ve managed to pay for a trip with my girlfriend for fun in the sun and have ended up with no girlfriend and no fun . . . Through no one’s fault but mine. More about that later.

So Friday morning I wake up very early but still too late, because although I set the time on my alarm clock, I didn’t turn the alarm on. Always a bad omen to try to hurry and get ready early in the morning when you blood pressure is hovering around 70/50. Anthony had an 8:00 AM exam and my flight was at 9:15, so we were of to the airport at 7:00AM. Anthony was driving me in a really nice little BMW 335 that seems to be a bit too nice a car for a college freshman. Guess maybe he was warming up for the weekend in his new wheels. Since the car seems eerily like my brand new BWM I was hopeful that he would show it the respect due and not push the little turbo charged 300 hp engine to its limit. His former transportation -- you remember that 2001 GTI he had to have? -- is a bit peeked because the clutch has given up the ghost even though he has just sold his soul to put 4 new tires on it. A lemon by any other acronym is still a lemon.

We arrived on time and I got through security painlessly and headed for the National Koney Island for breakfast. Not bad for airport food. I ate and headed for the plane. I had what I though was a really good seat near first class. Unfortunately the online diagram of the plane was not a match for the real life plane. I settled into my window seat -- something I avoid like the plague -- and hoped for the best. The best turned out to be a mother and baby - an unhappy baby. I was cool about it. As long as I didn’t have to get up to pee which would make her move the 9,000 pounds of snacks and shit she had on her tray. Fortunately I made it through easily and logged away the experience regarding not trusting the seat diagram -- there were supposed to be two handicapped seats, i.e., empty spaces, next to me. The kid was pretty unhappy about staying in his seat for landing but he was just expressing how we all felt about being packed in like sardines.

I took the bus to the Port of Miami and after tipping about 12 people -- “don’t forget your bus driver“-- I checked in on board the lovely Carnival Imagination, or as I came to know it, Chuck E. Cheese At Sea. Wal-Mart Cruise Lines, oops I mean Carnival Cruise lines is truly the man on the street’s cruise -- and his children’s cruise line. You want beautiful people? Turn around and walk down to the Norwegian ship ‘cause they ain’t here. It’s an eclectic group with non-whites probably in the majority. Fine by me but fat ugly people eating ice cream cones regardless of their color or nationality look just as gross as those fat ugly people eating ice cream cones on Mackinaw Island. Well maybe they’re better here ‘cause they don’t glow in the dark like us whities do.

I had one urgent concern -when I arrived at the ship. Where I was going to sit for dinner. I was assigned to the late seating at 8:15 PM which was good, but would I again share space with mothers and unhappy or worse yet, happy kiddies. I accepted a singles table at the 6:00PM seating with a sense of foreboding. In my extensive travels most of the single people over thirty that I observe to be single and traveling with friends are single for reasons that are immediately apparent. Also lots of gay couples travel together (would they travel apart?) and avoid kids. So I entered the dining hall repeating a silent prayer “ “God, please grant me a miracle. Please, God!” Why I expected results for a non-believer is a small mystery but my prayers were not answered. On the other hand My best guess was right on the mark. Waiting with their oh-please-let-me-meet-a-man smiles of expectation were three matronly sisters and their equally matronly friend. The oldest sister was wheelchair bound. {Ok, stop here and laugh at me in my usual what-the-fuck-do-I do-now circumstance.} They had just come from central casting having just read for the lead in Golden Girls but none of them was as hot as Bea Arthur. Hard by approached a gay couple both named Philip. They were salt and pepper and Phillip One was shaking so hard he made my tremor unnoticeable. Me think they had playtime in the cabin before dinner.

Now that I’ve taken my shots at them, I’d be lying to say that the women weren’t interesting to talk to. The non-sister (sorry I missed the names) kept winking at me. Yikes! We talked about traveling and the Philips just shook. Philip Two was too cold.

After dinner I was exhausted and having had many episodes of lightheadedness I repaired to my cabin and fell asleep. At eleven I woke and still felt sea sick so I wanted so air. I wanted to eat too but I just restarted Weight Watchers five days ago, so I wanted to maintain my diet. So I wanders. I love standing on the bow and watching the ocean -- day and night. At you’re often all alone which is a pretty soothing feeling. When I saw too cold for any more standing in the wind I wandered into the casinos. I didn’t loose all my money which is an improvement.

Now to sleep again.