The Wish Credo . . . and how it's going to change my life

Hmmm, my first blog in five months. Maybe that's a good sign -- like I may have some positive energy to burn. We'll see . . . Spike Lee made a comedy concert movie in 2000 called The Original Kings of Comedy. It has moved up to my top ten best movies of all time list. High praise for a movie that got so so reviews, but I love it. The comedians featured are Steve Harvey, Cedric the Entertainer, D.L. Hughely and the late Bernie Mac. They show this film constantly on Showtime and every time I flip through the channel guide and see it, I stop and watch. I actually cheer for Bernie Mac at the end. But this blog is not about The Original Kings of Comedy. It's about the hope creed (or as I sometimes call it, the hope credo.) In the movie, Cedric the Entertainer explains that whites live by a different creed than blacks. Whites live by the hope creed. If they're running a little late for a concert they hope no one will be in their seats. They hope there won't be any trouble. Blacks live by a different creed. They live by the wish creed. "I wish somebody WOULD be in our chairs. I'll show them what it's all about." I just figured out that that's what I'm doing -- living by the hope credo. "I hope I can hide my symptoms long enough so I can get a woman to see the real me before she sees the illnesses." "I hope I can win her over before I have to disclose the ugly truth." It's no wonder (a) I'm getting nowhere and (b) I'm a fucking nervous wreck while I'm doing it. I need the wish creed. "I wish a woman WOULD say someone critical about my physical condition. I'll show what the fuck's going on." Do you get the subtle difference between the wish credo and what my dad taught me about wishin' and hopin'. You know, "Wish in one hand and shit in the other, and see which one fills up the fastest." The wish credo is I wish someone WOULD fuck with me. I'll show them what goings on. I'm not joking. The way I'm going about this is like trying to make a good impression while balancing on one leg and holding your breath at the same time. What do I mean by that, you ask. I mean I'm trying to do what I am very good at which is anticipate all the conditions and circumstances that could occur when I meet someone new and control them to reveal only the you-don't-look-sick Jim. I done this in my career with a great deal of success. I got good at it as a lawyer and businessman. Only there it was just business -- it's wasn't my life and my future. But the difference now is "I'm tired. My body's weary." as Bernie Mac said in that very same movie. "I can't do it like I used to." It's too mentally exhausting trying to balance everything -- hoping the damn Sinemet is working to the maximum so my tremor doesn't show. But worrying about whether the tremor shows creates stress; and stress worsens my tremor. I think you get the picture. Then there's my stomach and my body temperature and on and on. So I've got to stop the hope credo -- "I hope I can mange all this shit" -- and switch to the wish credo -- "I wish somebody WOULD care whether I'm perfectly healthy or not. I'll show them what really matters." Time for me to face facts. Time for some parallel processing. I'm not to quit the hope creed. I'm going to continue to try to manage things. I'm going to put my best foot forward. I going to work my ass off to raise the level of my health and quality of life as high as I can -- and given my history that's pretty damned high. So I'll hope I can meet the right woman who's that perfect combination of caring, compassion, attractiveness, brains, self-sufficiency and so on. And I'll be prepared to pay her back in kind for all she's got to give and then some. But I need to start up the wish credo. I wish someone WOULD limit me to Florence Nightingale types. I'll show them a woman whose motives are a bit more pragmatic. Why not combine the two extremes -- loving caring partner and paid caregiver and come up with loving caring paid partner? You know, a mutual arrangement. Think they're just gossip and innuendo -- try mutualarrangements.com. I used to wonder why my therapist in Ann Arbor used to suggest I look at these Eastern European brides websites. He's the one who pointed out mutual arrangements to me. Finally it makes sense. A business arrangement of the heart. It doesn't have to be as cold and calculated as you're thinking. I always thought it was beneath me. Well welcome to reality, Jim. Now all I need is a cash infusion that's a little more feasible than winning the lottery or waiting until my youngest becomes a billionaire. Actually it's not THAT far away. I just need to make some semi-serious money. It can be dome. I've done it before -- it's a matter of motivation and effort. I know my brain usually works ok; and I know I don't have much stamina; but there are ways. Now what are they? Any ideas? Thanks, faithful reader.