Day 2

Day 2 – Rule 3 – “They have stores.” Funny thing about traveling is no matter what you forget you can buy it on the road. Yesterday while strolling around a rest area to get some exercise, I cursed myself for not bringing my pedometer. If I had it I could make sure I walk at least 3000-4000 steps per day. Although not the 10,000 steps that is popular target these days, it is better than sitting all day. Then I realized Rule 3 – I can buy one. After all, where the hell am I stopping today? – Mall of America. Think they might have one?
Duh! So while on my way to the Mall of America – just sounds grotesque doesn’t it? – I notice some gorgeous dairy farms and such along the Wisconsin byway. So like a good little I-don’t-have-to-stay-on-the-interstate kind of guy I am, I pull off and look for a good photo opportunity. The countryside is beautiful; the weather is perfect. What could go wrong? Nothing much so far. Well, my digital camera was making a funny sound and it was so bright I couldn’t read the viewer. But something is not working. So, I move on. I passed a wonderful sight – a nice red barn the said "Top Shelf Genetics" across the barn door. Hmm. Wonder what bottom shelf genetics produce?
At last the Mall of America. What a perfect match for my shopping addiction. Not so fast! Once I got inside, I went up to the third level (of four) and bought a pedometer which I immediately opened with my knife (this is a key point in the story) and put it on my belt. I continued around the place until I had a bird’s eye view of the amusement park in the center and tried to take a picture – “Memory Card Full.” Aha! What to do. Wait until tonight and download to my laptop and erase the card? No! Rule # 3! They have stores. So I walk into Ritz Camera and for six bucks they download the memory card to a disc which will be ready in half an hour. So I start walking the circumference of each level. I buy my 997th pair of reading glasses and pick up the disk. Now I want the hell outta there. I walk around the entirefuckingplace and find my car.
I reach in my pocket; and my other pocket; and my other pocket. You’re shitting me! No keys! – You know one thing you can count on is that I will do at least one really stupid thing per trip. – OK, I left them in the camera store. No, wait. The KNIFE. It’s on my keychain. I sat them down when I opened the pedometer package. So I return to the spot. Of course, no keys. Then a miracle! I check at the store and someone has turned them in to mall security. Whoever you are, I love you! I walk for another hour and a half and find the customer service window and there they are!
I left the Mall from Hell having walked 7,000 steps – 3.5 miles! In fact, as I sit here now, I have walked over 10,000 steps today. My highest total ever! And may I say that if you have ever been to a mall and an amusement park, do not go to the Mall of America.
Now I am in Fargo. I have seen many people here, but no sign of Frances McDormond or William H. Macy. In fact the area of town I am in looks like it could be in the suburbs of any large city. Maybe it’s weirder in the winter.
Tomorrow I golf!