Day 6 & 7 - Not Your Father's Miami Beach

I drove from Clearwater Beach to Miami Beach in about six hours with several stops to walk around. Most of the route is I-75 which runs from the Upper Peninsula in Michigan to Miami. I have driven every mile of it south of the Mackinaw Bridge. There are two scenic spots, I think. I think they're both in Tennessee. Not in Florida. I was so desperate for something to look at I was hoping an alligator would lumber across the road. Of course, road rage is a thing of the past now. I just cruise and share the road amicably.

My hotel standard at the outset was clean, inexpensive and wireless in the rooms. Who am I kidding? I've stayed in way too many really nice hotels to be satisfied with clean and inexpensive. On my prior trip I started stopping at Best Westerns because they had wireless and were really cheap. So I was mistakenly lured to book Best Westerns on the water in Clearwater Beach and Miami Beach. I could have done lots better. As I mentioned I was in a dump of a room the first night -- not sure that it met the cleanliness standard. And in Miami Beach I was quickly reminded of the difference between "ocean view" and "ocean front" having chosen the former. Caveat Emptor! I should have realized but what the hell. You can judge for yourself from the picture.

Since this hotel is grossly under-staffed, I immediately sought out the two best employees and made friends. My friend Gustavo was wise to the whole shooting match. He immediately pointed me to the Boardwalk,which, if you are not aware, is 77 blocks long. I am at 41st and Collins in North Beach and South Beach starts at 22nd so tomorrow I have a long walk or a short drive to explore South Beach. If that doesn't give me something more interesting to write about than my fucking hotel room, I'll shit.

But let's talk more about North Beach. Within twelve seconds I realized I had landed in the middle of a Hasidic Jewish community of varying sects. In fact they out numbered all other groups of people on the Boardwalk my a mile. As Major Frank Burns would say "You can't swing a dead cat around here without hitting one." Who knew? I was immediately struck my their clothing and hair styles and the irony of being covered in black wool clothing in 70 degree weather on the Boardwalk in Miami Beach. There were many very, very old folks, Jewish or not, bundled up for winter. I immediately felt like a spring chicken not a Shaky Old Bitch. I had to read a bit about Hasidic Judaism but I didn't learn anything specific to Miami. They certainly don't make eye contact with schlemiels like me. I do know this. They love cell phones and their New Balance running/walking shoes look strangely incongruous with their ultra-conservative garb. They must be New Balance's best demographic. And for good reason. I have long felt that New Balance makes the best running shoes by a mile. They are just so fucking ugly that I can't stand to put them on my feet. I know that they refuse to do celebrity endorsements and I swear they make their shoes as ugly as they can on purpose. Two years ago they came out with a shoe called Zoom (I think) that looked like it was designed after 1983. I saw a runner in a nice looking pair of New Balances on the beach today.

The weather is perfect - just like Michigan. High 70's, breezy and sunny. Again I chilled at the beach. February in Miami is my perfect summer. It's really obvious that tourism is way down. People watching is tough. And lots of non-English speakers. I did spot a woman who perfectly fit the description I gave in my last blog. She was clearly over fifty, very attractive, and must have been smart -- she walked by me four times -- and I'm sure she was financially independent. I believe her name was Inga. She had to be Nordic or German. Her bikini was not something an American would wear. It was thong-like but she really didn't have the butt for it. But I loved that erect walk and her well cared for skin and her I-like-the-way-I-look-so-fuck-you demeanor. But what was I to do. Accost her and ask her out for drinks? I tried to come up with a bit more elegant ways to meet her but I failed.

I stayed in the shade a lot today but my face looks a lot redder than that picture on the right. Me thinks it will start peeling soon -- my bald head too. I'm sorry I haven't done anything really stupid yet. Not packing any swimming trunks is about as senile as I've been so far. I'll do better.

Thanks for reading.

P.S. Wait a damn minute! What is with me and this kindness and acceptance of people of all shapes and varieties? Just because I'm a Shaky Old Bitch and my body looks more like Jed Clampett than Michael Phelps doesn't mean I've lost my arrogance and elitism. This came crashing into my head when I saw a group of retired hilljacks checking into the hotels as I was about to eat a late (9:00PM) dinner. If there's one thing that sets me free it's some ignorant fuck wearing his hat in a restaurant. In this case not a ball cap, a cheap-assed piece of shit straw cowboy hat that I wouldn't piss in. He and a shitload of his companions were late arrivals at dinner and putting a serious cramp in the service from the two remaining waitresses. While waiting I was treated to some baggy jeans and clip on suspender wearing, haircut needing, submoronic cretin with a dim witted expression and a gut big enough to house a small 3rd world family. This hillbilly retard just hung around the table looking stupid and putting me off my dinner. I started to do a "there, there, Jim" and return to my benevolent acceptance of all people -- that's a fucking laugh -- when I said to my self "No." I didn't tell these dipshits to sit on their fat asses and eat fried food and drink beer. I didn't tell them to let their minds turn to paplum. I say, No. I'm mad as hell and I'm not going to take it anymore! Civility, people! Simple fucking civility. That's all it takes.