Day 1- Hitting the Road 2009

In 2007 I hit the road for three weeks and covered 6000 miles and fifteen states. I went through the upper Midwest, the great plains, down through Utah and Nevada to Las Angeles and came back via Colorado and the upper Midwest. I started my blog then and it was great to know people were good enough friends to read it.

This time it’s south through Ohio, Kentucky and Tennessee to UA (Upper Alabama) to LA (guess? It’s not Los Angeles) to Northern Florida, then Miami Beach for a few days then Charleston to Johns Hopkins Hospital in Baltimore up to Stamford, Connecticut then to Old Forge New York and home. Eighteen days – 4000 miles. In 2007 it was me and unknown places this time it’s familiar with many stops with friends and family.

My youngest son warned me not to write blogs that make you want to put a gun to your head. Of course you will be the judge of that. I would like to be as funny and contemporary as Lewis Black or George Carlin, but I’m not that smart. Self ridiculing rumor has always worked for me so I think I’ll stick with that.

So I departed for my daughter and son-in-law’s home in Cincinnati. Not so fast!

Two hundred yards into the trip I looked at my wrist and noticed it was naked. No problem I forgot to put watches on my Excel spreadsheet list of thing s bring. Very precise, you know. Ok, I walked into the bedroom to retrieve a couple of watches from the monogrammed jewelry valet that the Lovely M gave me (more about her, I’m sure) and what is lying on the bed? Two hanging bags of shirts! But for the forgotten watches I would be buying shirts and a jacket for everyday of the trip. See how much that checklist helped!

On the road to Cincinnati I saw the same things I’ve seem since I started driving that road when I was 16 - Although Cincinnati is a very cool little city. We had a lovely dinner and dessert and played Wii. I got a hole in one in Wii golf!! Imagine that.

That brings me to the self-ridiculing humor. It started with a filing lunch and a drive to the mall to walk off some of the fullness. As I turned into the parking lot lane I was surprised to find a non-handicapped space that was right up front. In my seniority (is that the opposite of youth?) I have more and more often copped out for the handicapped spot (later I’ll tell you about the woman who shouted “You don’t look handicapped.”). As I parked I heard a blaring horn and caught a glimpse of some kind of sedan with tinted windows. A big part of my insanity is that I don’t react well to being honked at. All reason immediately departs. So I saw the car pull in and I waited for . . . I’ll call him Squeaky just for yuks. He walked by me and made the mistake of looking at me. Sanity left my body and mind. I uttered those world famous words “What the fuck’s your problem?” Squeaky claimed I sped up and cut in front of him. I didn’t – but that didn’t matter. I have a tremor on my right side that gets worse under stress. He noticed right off. Thus I was adorned with my new nickname “Shaky Old Bitch.” Squeaky loved the term and used it when threatening to kick my ass. He was taken aback when I called him an “ignorant pussy”. And I got up in his face. That gave him pause. We continued to spew invectives through the parking lot up the walk and all the way into the center of the mall. He inquired whether I was 80 years old. Good one. I laughed and got right in his face again. Regrettably Squeaky got an import call on his cell and we stopped. My only regret was that I didn’t punch him in the solar plexus and knock the wind out of him.

I think you know the condition of my health and my age. It is pure insanity to confront 30-year-olds in parking lots. Seems like there is a just a tad of pent up rage looking for release.

On to Alabama. Thanks for reading. Comment please.